The Integration of Gratitude Using “Both/And” Mentality

* Listen to podcast episode version of this blog here *

Gratitude has been a complicated emotion for me.

I started out completely “pro” gratitude, because of its proven positive effects on health, happiness, mindfulness, and more. But from there, I found where it became toxic (there’s a past piece on this). Let me explain:

I found myself using gratitude to mask or suppress my emotions. We see this in common phrases like, “You should be grateful because others have it worse.” In fact, this “gratitude” (it’s really toxic positivity) has been proven to elicit emotions like indebtedness or guilt, especially in collectivist Indian and Asian cultures as opposed to the individualist Western/North American culture (learn more on these cultural differences in this episode from last Thanksgiving).

In other words, choosing to be grateful for something good can become detrimental when it’s obligatory. The feeling of indebtedness or guilt detracts from the simple and beneficial experience of gratitude. It can turn full-range human experiences and relationships into transactions or even score-keeping affairs.

So where is the balance between this beneficial gratitude and toxic positivity?

Simply put, gratitude is essential. And it’s not always toxic (despite what quippy social media posts lacking nuance would have you believe). Take work-related travel for example:

How does your life feel if you “have to” go on these trips, versus if you “get to”?

While talk of toxic positivity would have you be realistic about what stinks (travel stress, getting up early, getting lost at a train station, eating bad airport food), gratitude urges you to acknowledge the good (the excitement of being somewhere new, meeting new people, learning new things, catching up on podcasts on the plane). To write off gratitude is to feel the burden of skepticism. It’s to release all the good that can come from something in the name of realism, and it’s not helpful in the long run.

So here’s the answer: We can adopt a “both/and” mentality, as opposed to “either/or.”

It’s true that I’ll have to get up really early for this flight, the airport might not have a decent vegetarian breakfast, and I may experience stress getting through security… and it’s true that in [new place] I’ll get some time to explore that museum, get to try a brand new cuisine, and have afternoons and evenings to myself to let my body and mind rest in a way I can’t at home. This (admittedly sometimes cheesy) “attitude of gratitude” relieves burden and creates happiness. Both the good and bad can exist together in our gratitude practice because both exist together in real life.

Integrating a Realistic Gratitude Practice in Real Life

We can integrate a realistic gratitude practice by focusing not on obligatory exchanges or pros/cons lists, but on the genuine inner feeling we have when acknowledging the good about anything. This is the appreciation we feel before expectations, skepticism, or obligation get in the way.

A few ways to focus on this inner feeling and help put life into perspective include:

• Meditating

  • Sit quietly or follow a guided meditation that lists out the people and things we are grateful for

• Journaling

  • Create a list of all the people and things we are grateful for

• Speaking

  • Speaking your thoughts out loud, like a spoken journal or

  • Telling someone in a non-specific way that you are grateful for them (i.e. I’m grateful that you exist! I’m grateful for our friendship! I really appreciate you being here right now.)

Both of these practices allow our minds to tune into that appreciative feeling, to pause and breathe in that moment before the possible onslaught of skepticism and obligation. It helps us slow down and zoom out, allowing us to take in the bigger picture of our lives and acknowledge our blessings, even if they come alongside (both/and) the hard things.

An either/or mentality makes it hard to feel gratitude and happiness unless everything is perfect. A both/and mentality makes it possible for us to feel more gratitude and happiness in the real, imperfect, day-to-day of our lives. It’s toxic to sweep away the bad and only talk about the good. It’s not toxic to acknowledge both the good and bad, and choose to focus on the good.

“​​Learning how to experience gratitude involves being grateful as an attitude, not as a reaction when good things occur. One does not need to wait until things are perfect before being grateful; in fact, it may be just the opposite. It could be that the act of being grateful, in itself, makes one receptive to life’s blessings, and these blessings continue as we continue to be thankful.” — Robert Emmons, PhD