Presence Without Pressure
The Annual November “Gratitude is Nuanced!” Post from the TS Team
“Enjoy every moment!” they say. Images of life’s fleeting milestones are conjured up in my head like a movie, and yet, at least in this moment, this well-meaning phrase lands more like a burden than a gift.
Take, for example, the unique experience of early parenthood. Lucy Jones in her book Matrescence captures the bittersweet reality of this phase: a mix of love, exhaustion, joy, and even grief (for the self that once was).
For new mothers, the advice to “enjoy every moment” can feel complicated. Yes, there are tender, irreplaceable moments, but there are also sleepless nights, crying spells (from both baby and parent), and the nagging guilt of wondering if you’re savoring it all enough.
But this isn’t exclusive to parenthood. For anyone navigating a new career, planning a wedding, or moving through an experience like caring for aging parents, the insistence on enjoying every moment can create sadness… and even resentment.
It implies that every moment is inherently joyful—or should feel that way. Or worse, that if we aren’t fully present, we’re failing to appreciate the gift of life.
Why It Feels So Hard
In theory, we all know that life isn’t made of pure, unfiltered joy. Instead, it’s a convoluted mess of emotions; sometimes the sweetness is subtle or overshadowed by the bitterness.
By telling ourselves- or others- to enjoy every moment, we might be setting an impossible standard. It’s a form of toxic positivity wrapped in mindfulness’s good intentions.
Much like how gratitude can become toxic when obligatory, the command to enjoy everything can become a trap. It invalidates the fullness of human experience, which includes pain, stress, and messiness. The truth is, not all moments are meant to be savored. Some are meant to be endured, learned from, or simply survived.
Finding a "Both/And" Approach to Joy
What if we approached life with the same "both/and" mentality that we apply to gratitude? We can acknowledge that not every moment is enjoyable—and that’s okay/allowed. Joy and sorrow can coexist, just as exhaustion and gratitude often do.
Instead of forcing enjoyment, we can aim to be present for whatever the moment holds, without judgment. For example:
A parent can feel deep love for their child while longing for a quiet night’s sleep.
A caregiver can feel fulfilled in their role and mourn the loss of their own free time.
A professional can feel pride in a career milestone while grappling with imposter phenomenon.
The goal isn’t to enjoy everything. The goal is to be with everything—to notice, accept, and sometimes simply get through it.
How to Practice Presence Without Pressure
Name the moment
When faced with a hard or bittersweet moment, try naming it. “This is tough,” or “This is beautiful and hard at the same time.” Naming creates space for acceptance, much like meditation can create the silence + stillness needed to reconnect with ourselves.
Zoom out
Not every moment needs to be the most meaningful one. By zooming out, we can see the broader narrative of our lives—the highs, lows, and in-betweens that all matter equally, and acknowledge that we don’t have to have it all figured out.
Release judgment
There’s no need to label a moment as good or bad. Allow it to just be. Sometimes, that neutrality is enough to find more peace.
Celebrate small wins
Joy doesn’t have to be monumental. It can be found in small, fleeting moments—a warm cup of tea, a kind word, a deep breath.
Living Wholly, Not Perfectly
Despite what social media culture would have us believe, life isn’t a collection of perfect moments to hoard. It’s a collection of experiences that, together, you get to create meaning for.
By releasing the pressure to enjoy every moment, we make space for something richer: the ability to show up authentically for life as it is, not as we think it should be.
Maybe the better advice, as opposed to “Enjoy every moment,” is this: “Be here, however you can. It’s enough.”
Want more on gratitude this November? Catch up on Episode 27: What We’ve Gotten Wrong About Gratitude where we break down cultural differences in gratitude and what studies say about the benefits.