Art of Conversation: How & Why to Practice Mindfulness When Texting

The art of conversation isn’t lost, it’s just different.

In our increasingly interconnected world, where messaging apps and social media platforms are at the forefront of our lives, the art of conversation has taken a digital twist.

While these tools have undoubtedly brought us closer, they've also given rise to a unique set of challenges, which is why I spend a lot of time thinking, learning, and teaching about mindful communication.

Something that has been coming up for me a lot is the sinking feeling that comes with unanswered texts.

Why does it hurt so much when people don't text back? What can we do to maintain healthy relationships and ensure digital wellbeing in our hyper-connected lives? 

We've all been there – eagerly waiting for that blue bubble to appear, signaling a reply from a friend or someone we’re talking to, only to be met with silence. So, why does this seemingly innocuous act of non-response hit us so hard? Why do I feel overly emotional and almost irrational and keep checking my phone every few minutes to see if I’ve gotten a response?

We live in a world of instant gratification. Most people see their text messages or emails within 5 minutes of receiving them (unless we are working in some profession where we can’t be online constantly… any surgeons out there?). We’re constantly checking our own devices, and so we assume or know that they’ve probably seen it and…what? Decided not to respond? Don’t care to respond right away? Too busy for us?

Plus, we may have gotten used to hyper-real-time functionalities like Read Receipts or seeing that someone is or was active recently on one social platform or another.

These are the waters in which we are swimming because of tech evolution; it has made us more impatient and raised our expectations for timely responses. (Not to mention, it’s given us more access into people’s behavior without the nuance or honesty of being in-person… cue self-destructive social media stalking).

In the digital age, a non-reply can feel like a personal affront, leading to overthinking and spiraling thoughts about the state of the relationship. When we don’t hear back from someone, it taps into our basic human need for validation and connection.

When they don't reply, our brain interprets it as a form of rejection, triggering feelings of self-doubt, anxiety, and even sadness.

Then, what about on our end? Why do we also feel like it’s okay to not respond?

Sometimes we genuinely mean to answer and we get distracted; sometimes it feels hard so we resort to ghosting instead. Sometimes someone is texting us more than we can handle and it just feels easier to not respond for a while. Are we bad people?

Many times, we don’t say what we mean and we’ve created a world where communication is extra confusing – we wouldn’t do half of the things we do via text in real life. So what’s the etiquette here?

How can we apply mindful communication to our text relationships? Here are a few things I have been practicing and teaching:

1. Respect Response Time: It's essential to remember that people have diverse schedules and commitments. While instant responses are nice, they aren't always feasible. Give your friends the space to reply within a reasonable timeframe.

2. Assume Positive Intent: Before jumping to conclusions about a lack of response, consider the many reasons someone might not have replied yet. They might be spending quality time with their family, in the flow of a work project, or looked at your message, had the intention to reply, and then genuinely forgot or got distracted without purposely meaning to ignore you. Don't assume it's a deliberate snub.

3. Communicate Expectations: Openly discuss texting habits with your friends. Some people prefer longer, meaningful conversations, while others enjoy quick exchanges. Understanding each other's preferences can alleviate misunderstandings. I have some friends who feel like pen pals– we pour our hearts out via text and I spend a lot of time reading and crafting those messages. For others, especially those who I see in person often, the texts are quicker, more practical and we save the meaningful stuff for phone calls or IRL hangs. It’s important to know and identify what kind of texter a person is and what type of texting relationship you collectively want to have. 

4. Set Boundaries: While staying connected is crucial, it's equally vital to respect each other's boundaries. Understand that not everyone is available 24/7 for conversations. And you don’t need to be available 24/7 either. My husband and I frequently say to each other “can’t talk about this right now” when texting about a household task or scheduling a social plan and one of us is in a deep work flow. There is a time and a place to discuss things and even if someone is desperate for a response, it’s important to practice patience and connect when both parties are ready, so that both parties feel respected and not resentful. 

5. Choose Face-to-Face: If a texting interaction is becoming too overwhelming, say you need to take a break or ask to switch to a phone call instead. Sometimes 100 messages going back and forth taking hours can be resolved with a 5 minute phone conversation. Especially when conversations become heightened, delicate, or emotions need to be conveyed accurately, consider switching to a call or meeting in person. Some nuances of communication are best captured outside the confines of text. Sometimes we hide behind our devices, but to be able to see someone’s face reminds us that we’re interacting human to human and it can open the door to deeper feelings of compassion. 

Ultimately, unanswered texts might sting, but understanding the reasons behind them and adhering to thoughtful mindful digital communication can go a long way in maintaining healthy friendships and maintaining our sense of wellbeing.

Remember, the online realm is just an extension of our real lives, and just as we treat our in-person relationships with care, our digital connections deserve the same consideration. So, let's embrace the tools at our disposal while being mindful of the emotional impact they can have.

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