It Turns Out We Might Have the Wrong Idea About Gratitude
It Turns Out We Might Have the Wrong Idea About Gratitude…
There’s a reason “gratitude” is now one of the buzziest words around. At every corner of self-help books, mental health podcasts, journals, and social media, everyone is telling us to be grateful. The (often extremely shallow) wellness industry thrives on gratitude.
And while there’s good reason for this, our understanding of gratitude is turning out to be quite limited.
What’s True About Gratitude
Research has proven that a gratitude practice (that is, mindfully choosing to feel grateful regularly) has tremendous health benefits like increased happiness, self-control, and optimism. In a Western culture where the leading causes of death are exacerbated so heavily by stress and depression, this is great news.
Further, another study even illustrated that a gratitude journal could reduce inflammation, improve sleep, and reduce symptoms in patients with heart failure in only eight weeks of regular practice.
That is pretty wild. BUT…
What’s Flawed About Gratitude
There’s a major flaw about most of these gratitude studies: they are generally conducted in the US and are focused on studying white Americans—
Particularly white North American college students from the campuses where researchers work. And of course this creates a bias in the research, leaving out the cultures wherein gratitude is inseparable from detrimental emotional responses.
I am someone with a masters degree in psychology, and has particularly studied positive psychology... I’m also a well-being instructor, collective and individual mind-body-spirit scholar and researcher, mindfulness coach, and meditation + yoga teacher. And yet I have always had issues with gratitude.
I am a grateful person, sure, but gratitude doesn’t elicit only positive emotions for me, as many mainstream platforms and viral posts would have me believe. It’s more bittersweet—I also feel guilty, indebted, or sometimes even apologetic (emotions that have adverse effects on the body and mind compared to gratitude).
So I started looking into if this was only a “me thing.” It wasn’t.
Earlier this year, when I wrote about gratitude and how forcing it can so quickly mutate it into toxic positivity, we learned how unhelpful and even detrimental that can be, especially to people dealing with tough emotions, chronic issues, systemic oppression, and more.
Even back then I knew I wasn’t the only one who experienced gratitude as somewhat of a burden. But it wasn’t until now I realized it’s, in fact, most folks from Eastern cultures that have this similar experience.
Why Is Expanding Our Take On Gratitude Important?
Western wellness culture was borne from good intentions of increasing collective well-being, but in the process has come to often be insensitive, appropriative, and now directly harmful to vast portions of the population. I say this not to shame anyone, but to encourage a broader perspective, a wider understanding of gratitude. Just because intentions are good doesn’t mean we can ignore the actual impact.
Because if we all believe that true wellness, enlightenment, or happiness can only be achieved when we all are well (collective and planet), shouldn't that be the goal?
Now, thankfully, there is more research being done about gratitude in a cross-cultural context. It is primed to soon show us why one thing being healthy for some people doesn’t mean it’s healthy for everyone. And I’m excited to be a voice that uses that research to speak on how to then navigate collective well-being, starting with the following:
In one study that compared North Americans and Indians who wrote about gratitude, it was found that Indians felt positive emotions (happiness and optimism) alongside sadness, guilt, and regret. The Americans in the study did not have those accompanying feelings.
In collectivist cultures (i.e. Indian, Asian-American), it is normal and ingrained in culture to give and receive help. In these cultures (speaking as an Indian-American myself), saying thank you isn’t expected because supporting the community is a natural part of life.
If my parents have me and my husband over for dinner and we say thank you, it’s almost offensive because them feeding us isn’t a favor, nor is it something that they are expecting us to return; it’s just a part of how we operate as a family. And this rings true in many Asian cultures—it can be offensive to say thank you for a communal cultural expectation because this implies it was not expected. This varies both generationally and culturally.
To sum up, North America falls under the term “individualistic culture.” In individualistic cultures, “People see themselves as autonomous entities who assert their rights and act with personal agency (i.e., an independent self-view).” - Kira Newman
In contrast, in collectivist cultures, “People view themselves as connected members of a larger social group. In other words, giving and receiving help is an expected part of daily life for members of collectivist cultures, rather than an uplifting surprise.” - Kira Newman
Despite the underrepresentation of collectivist cultures in popular research, cultures that are deemed more collectivist than individualistic (putting a greater emphasis on collective harmony rather than independence) make up 85% of the world’s population.
How To Expand Your Understanding of Gratitude & Still Cultivate Collective Well-Being
85% of the world’s population may be having a harmful response to the popular gratitude boom in Western wellness culture. That’s reason enough for me to add research and talking points to my talks and workshops about the nuances of gratitude, and methods of fostering those positive emotions while acknowledging and making space for the negative ones.
If you’re trying to evoke more gratitude (in yourself or your community), and untangle the practice from cross-cultural unintended consequences, here are simple practices I’ve found to be helpful:
Think of a person that you love a lot just existing. Imagine them in their day to day life being who they are and think about how happy it makes you that they simply exist, that they’re here and alive and in your life. This is a real blessing. Thinking about something or someone in this non-specific (not connected to an act of “service”) might help you feel a little less indebted and a little more joyously grateful.
Turn gratitude inwards -- while it’s helpful to be grateful for others at times, in order to feel it in a genuine way (just like with love), we need to first and foremost appreciate ourselves. Take a moment to recognize how far you’ve come in your journey through life. Think about who you were 5 or 10 years ago and recognize that who you are now is the person you perhaps dreamed of being.
Look towards nature. Sometimes zooming out can really help feelings of gratitude in an Earthly untethered way-- that is, being grateful for air not because you can breathe it, but just because it exists on its own. Being grateful for trees not because they give you oxygen but just because nature is nature. That the sun always rises. That the sky is blue or that flowers exist. That it snows and that the earth is magical and amazing.
Look towards your internal nature. Inside your own body there are tiny miracles occurring at every moment -- you’re breathing, your blood is flowing, your organs are digesting your food and producing energy and movement, all without you having to do anything consciously!
If possible try to avoid comparing and contrasting. Avoid statements like “I’m grateful for this healthy body because some people are disabled.” Simply be.
Red Flags & Times When You Don’t Need to Express Gratitude
When someone tells you “you should just be grateful”
When you see an Instagram post that says grateful people have better lives and all your problems will go away if you write in a gratitude journal everyday
When it feels like someone is doing something for you just so that they can get something in return - when a relationship or moment is transactional
When it’s not genuine
Sometimes the weight of the world feels really heavy. It can be challenging to acknowledge your blessings without feeling sad for the world. This is why I encourage you to embrace the full spectrum of emotions, and acknowledge that both things can be true at once.
You can feel grateful for your healthy body and acknowledge that there are some people for whom health is a struggle. You can still wish them well and not feel like you are undeserving of your health.
You can still say no to more food because you’re genuinely full and do your best to reduce food waste and support organizations that contribute to ending world hunger.
When In Doubt, Remember That Gratitude Goes Hand In Hand With Compassion
And compassion doesn’t stem from feeling bad for someone or thinking that their life sucks because you’re comparing it to yours. Compassion is acknowledging another being’s suffering and having a desire to reduce that suffering even by a little bit. We can be grateful for our blessings and acknowledge that there are people in the world who could use our love and care.
Popular Western wellness culture would accidentally have you believe that simple gratitude is all you need to live a healthier, happier life. But life is not simple, gratitude is nuanced, and our approach to our holistic well-being should not overlook that.
Want to listen to this article? Here’s the audio version!